I still live in the stone age: everybody in my office uses electronic banking but me. It was time to put away my club and join the modern age so I took the initiative and called the bank to add "Internet Banking."

The first thing they did was ask me for my social securtiy number.

I gave it to them.

They said, "That's not right."

I said, "Well, that's my social security number. Listen, I opened this account over 20 years ago... The bank has sold out and changed names 2 times since then. Somebody screwed up somewhere."

They transfered me to someone else.

That person asked, "How can I help you?"

"I'd like to put Internet banking on my account."

"What's your social security number?"

I told them.

"That's not the number we have here."

"Uh, I've already had this conversation once before..." I repeated my previous explanation.

"I'll have to transfer you."

They transfered me to someone else.

"How can I help you?"

"I want to add Internet banking to my account but the social security number you have is wrong."

"What is your social security number?"

I told them.

"That's not what's on your account."

"Uh..... I know that. Change it."

"What was your last deposit?"

I told them.

"What was the date of your last deposit?"

I told them.

"You'll have to come down to the bank to change your social security number."

I decided to put on a suit (an expensive suit - plus my expensive gold watch - plus drive my Porsche with "HASH" on the license plate to go to the bank.)

I stood in line in the bank.

After a while, I finally got to a teller (she recognized me).

"How can I help you?'

"I want to add Internet banking to my account."

"What's your social security number?"

I told her.

"That's not the social security number on your account."

"Uh... Yeah... Could I talk to an account representative?"

I waited for a while until a younger girl asked if she could help me.

"I want to put Internet banking on my account."

"I can help you with that."

She took me over to her desk.

"What's your name?"

I told her.

"What's your social security number?"

I told her.

"That's not the social security number we have on your account."

"Could I talk to a bank manager, please?"

I waited for 10 minutes. The bank manager came to shake my hand.

"Let's go into my office," she said.

Nice office.

"Now, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to put Internet banking on my account but my social security number doesn't match the one on the account."

"Do you have any proof that this is your account?"

I gave her my driver's license.

"What is the social security number on your account?"

"I don't know."

"I can't change your account unless you give me your social security number."

I gave her my social security number.

"That's not right," she said.

"Yes it is," I said.

"It's not the one on this account."

"Change it," I said.

"Legally, I can't do that" she said.

"I'm a lawyer," I said.

"Then you should know I can't do that. How do I know this is your account?"

"You mean besides the lucky coincidence that it's got the same name as me?"

She looked at me mutely.

"Hey, forget it," I said. "Close the account. I'll go somewhere else."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said. "What's your social security number."

I gave her my social security number.

"That's not the number on the account," she said. "I'm sorry, I can't close it."

"I closes automatically if I zero it out, doesn't it?" I asked.

"Yes," she said.

I got out my checkbook and wrote a check to another bank for the amount in my account. I took the next check and wrote "close account" on the face of it, then I threw the rest of the checks in the garbage.

"Thank you for your time," I said before I walked out of the bank.

Ohhhhh...I feel your pain.

Don't get me started on banks & financial institutions. I found out they are a sadistic bunch of funsters when trying to close out all my mother's accounts.

Ah yes, whimsical hoops to jump galore. It seemed like each place made up their own secret rules to the game.

I now keep my money buried in a coffee can out back.

Martin! You've been using Nancy's grandmother account all these years? Shame on you. You send that check to Nancy, pronto.

I open a new account not too long ago after moving to Portland, and they sat me down and started reeling out the national security question like do I plan on using the money for an organization, and will I plan making a large sum withdrawal for purchase anytime soon. Have I been a member of the Islamic group? So I ask why on earth are you asking such question that have nothing to do with banking, and she said that these are the question that she is required to ask by the federal govt. So I started to ask her about her political leaning and what she thought of our president, so she quip right back and said these are personal question and that she doesn't like to talk about them. I leaned over and said I'll make a deal, don't ask me personal question and I wont ask you any personal question, fuck the govt, I am just a guy getting by with my own life and I don't have the foggiest idea what I'll be doing in the next 6 month. Do you want my money or not?

She took the money and stop asking me stupid national security question.

She inform me that all banks are now required to ask these question. Martin, will you let me know how your new account went with your new bank?

did you say Grabmother? it almost sound like a mean calling names.

Done deal.

My wonderful wife and I were married June 15 2005 and at that time I did not have a bank account (yes I am embarassed). We decided that the money we earned would be our money and we would decide mutually on how it should be spent. We added my name to her existing account instead of opening a new account as that seemed simple enough. Initially I handled all of the finances and there were no problems paying the bills, however, my wife wanted to share the responsibilities and asked if I minded that she take over finances. I didn't mind at all as she is smart as a whip and has a memory most computers would envy. A couple years ago she noticed while maintaining the account, that somehow the bank had ME listed as the primary account holder and her as some kind of 'extra' contributor with no authority on the account. Being a wee bit sensitive to the issue she contacted the bank to have it reflected properly, that it was HER account, which she opened over 2 years prior to our marriage and that I was the add on. They told her that her husband would have to come to the bank and authorize the change.

We both went down and asked "what change"? We informed them that we had never authorized the bank to change my name to the primary account holder on her account and told them that they had made a mistake. Of course they do not make mistakes and still needed me to sign documents to the effect of her being the primary and able to make decisions on the account. I refused on the basis of principle (although unlike Martin I am no lawyer). Later that day we brought in the original documents my wife saved from opening the account and asked them to provide the documents reflecting me as the primary....they couldn't. I explained to the bank manager that such an incident was an insult to my wife, who by the way contributed far more money to HER account on a regular basis than I had ever done. I also explained that such a chauvanistic affront was inexcusable, and that the only reason I was the one doing the talking right now was to save them from what my wife had to say to them. My wifes glare was burning a hole through his head, the wall behind him and the safe behind the wall.

They corrected the account information immediately. Sometimes I think banks just enjoy pissing off their customers.

In the irony department - I just received this email. (As was obvious in the MM: at the bank, one hand doesn't know what the other hand is doing.)



I tried to access my new on-line account statement but I couldn't sign in, (for the same reason as before.)

I had online banking but I flub up twice and now I have to contact by phone to get it initiated again. Apparently you cant go to the bank and fix it. I had thought since I am the only one on my computer that I would save the password to the unit and automatically log on and enter my secret number. If you type all you get is ******** so I have no idea if I misspell it. But bank log in wont let you save your info and password into your computer. I have a password to get into my online membership privilege and then another password to get to my account.

A true story! one of the guy that I know was the GM of a bank and he had a irate Russian guy with a SUV and he wasn't satisfy with his banking experience so he drove the SUV into the bank. Then spotted the GM that he was unhappy with and tried to run him over. That guy now looking for a new dept in the bank, and doesn't want to be GM. I remember that the Irate man was Russian, because the victim is hoping he would be deported so he wont have to worry about him. He showed up in court and the guy yelled at him in the court room. All I'm saying is don't be that guy!

This story was covered in the Oregonian, involving the Wells Fargo bank in Tigard, you might of heard this news.