The first ever “Hash Bash” was held at the “Church of Hash” (The Columbia Arts Center) in May. Twenty loyal, old time A:Mers spent their hard-earned money to come to Vancouver, Washington and hang out for three days.

While planning the event, everybody was keeping me informed of their travel arrangements via the A:M Forum. The big event was only 2 days away when William Sutton posted a short, cryptic message saying he may not be able to come “due to family problems.” But the next day he left a message saying everything was okay. I picked him up at the airport. “Hey, Will. You made it! I’m so glad you could come. You must have got those problems worked out?”

“Actually, I didn’t,” Will replied pensively. “But I came anyway.”

“A couple of months ago, Lana, my wife went into the hospital,” Will explained. “She was really sick, and the doctors couldn’t find what was wrong with her. I sat by her bedside everyday, holding her hand, praying she would get better. I was really worried; I thought I would lose her. After two weeks, tests suggested Lana might be having a really bad allergic reaction to coffee, which she loves dearly, but she did get better after she quit drinking it, and was able to come home.”

“Okay,” I said, sympathetically. “That IS a family problem worth missing the Hash Bash for.”

“What? No,” Will contradicted me. “That was a couple of months ago. She’s all better now. What happened this week is that I was in jail.”

My mouth dropped open. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t imagine how the story could have veered so dramatically.

Will continued. “You see, Lana was still sneaking coffee when I wasn’t around. I could tell because she started acting weird, and I could smell coffee on her breath… And she started getting sick again. One day I came home from work early and caught her red-handed, holding a latte, double-shot, mocha, with foam. She was hiding outside on the deck, and she didn’t see me come in. I actually watched her put the cup to her lips and start to sip then I went outside and confronted her, ‘Lana!’ I yelled. ‘Put down that coffee!’ But she kept holding it. ‘Put it down!’ I warned, but she just set her jaw and squinted at me… Lana can be really stubborn and combative. I met her in my karate class, you know?”

“I didn’t know that,” I answered.

“Yeah,” Will said. “We hit it off right away. But she’s real stubborn – like me.” Will paused for a while.

“Then what?” I asked impatiently.

“Oh. Oh. Yeah,” Will came back from his reverie. “Well, I could see Lana was in one of her stubborn moods so I looked around for some way to make her stop drinking that coffee… Lana loves plants, and there’s potted plants all around the deck. I walked over to one and pointed at it with my foot. I spoke slowly and softly: ‘Put down that coffee or this plant GETS IT,’ I warned.”

“That did it. Instead of putting down the coffee, Lana jammed the cup in her mouth and started chugging. Soooo, I booted the potted plant as hard as I could and it sailed out into the yard. Lana’s eyes went wide; she threw the coffee cup on the ground and ran into the house. I thought, ‘At least she quit,’ but then she came back out on the deck holding one of my porcelain ‘Hustler Girls’ collector’s statuettes. ’You put that back,’ I ordered. Lana knew how precious those rare, numbered edition Hustler Girls are. I have a complete set; it took me years to collect them all, and Lana was gripping ‘Ms. February 1986’ way too tightly. ‘You’ll break that,’ I told her, but she just dangled it over the grass. ‘Don’t….’ I warned, and she let it drop… Luckily, it didn’t break in the grass, but she needed a lesson, so I rushed over and grabbed her, then I lifted her over my head like King Kong and said, ‘I’ll show you what it’s like to be dropped.’”

“Wow, Will.” I was aghast. “What happened then?”

“Uh… Well… Uh… I didn’t really mean to do anything, but I could see in Lana’s eyes that she was scared so I put her down. Then, I could tell by her face that she was pissed: She ran into the house and called 911, and the cops came and took me to jail. That’s when I sent that email. They have computers in jail – did you know that?”

“No, I don’t think I did, Will,” I replied. “Did Lana get you out?”

“No, her sister did,” Will said. “Lana got a restraining order against me, and I can’t see her again until my court date.”

“When’s that?” I asked.

Will looked at his watch. “Right now,” he replied calmly.

“You’re supposed to be in court in Atlanta right now to get back together with your wife who had you thrown in jail BUT INSTEAD YOU’RE HERE AT THE HASH BASH?” I asked Will incredulously.

“Yeah,” Will said simply.

“At least you got your priorities straight.”

Sometimes the Minutes are... embellished.

This is exactly as I heard it standing across from Will in Martin's kitchen.

edit:
Will: You did give Gwynn a short account in the kitchen. That's the one I remember. Now grab my wrist.

What?
Is this another one of those "Alias Sold to Lego Corporation for 2.1Billion dollars" story?

Makes me happy I'm still single.

Well, no matter, I hope everything is ok with everybody.

Late
Mike Fitz

Well, the details are not quite right... It was a food allergy( coffee was one of the items she wasn't supposed to have).... It was an Aikido class that Lana and I met at....I wasn't calm when I threatened the plant...It wasn't a porcelain figurine (it was one of those pornstar action figures from Plastic Fantasy)... I said, "How would you like it if I threw YOU off the porch!?"...She said, "You're coming WITH me!" and tried to pull us both off into the yard....
I was in jail overnight, they don't have email from jail (though that was a funny embellishment), released on my own recognizance.... I was staying at MY sister's house.... I didn't skip court, my lawyer requested a new court date so I could come to the Hash Bash....
I told the story at that place we ate that had the $1 hamburgers...

Nevertheless, the upcoming movie adaptation will be more heavily based on Martin's version, with Donal Logue as William L. Sutton.

Yeah I've seen them go at it..Can I be the stunt coordinator?

C

Hash Bash?

When's the next one? I wanna go



Oh.. and... Will... how are things between you and Lana coming along now?

I like Martin's story better. He should become an adaptive writer. Now I'll know to take his minutes with a grain of salt. I always wondered how he recollected moments so well.

That was quite a personal one. Exicitng stuff and I hope things are well now. (I'd love to see a picture of the rare collection).

It didn't end well, unfortunately. But life goes on

This is EXACTLY why I chose to give up my martial arts training many many years ago.

After the third class I realized the potential threat I could pose.



Vernon "!" Zehr

"Samurai ex-Mennonite takes on town of Amish"

That's a headline I'm sure we're all glad not to see.

Actually, that sounds like a movie I'd LOVE to see, if only for cheesy catch-phrases like, "I'm here to kick your butt back into the 21st century!"

Speaking of movies, I'm starting to think that an "Animal House" style screwball comedy about a rambunctious animation studio loosely based on a cross between Hash, Inc. and Termite Terrace might be an interesting idea...

In either case, I see Stephen Root playing the part of Vernon Zehr for some reason...

I think this sounds more like a Steven Segal movie. Vern could be played by Steven Segal, and the cheesy one liners could be something like...

"You're going down Yoder, even if I have to take out every last butter churning farmer in this community"

or

"You've shunned your last innocent, Cheese ball"

of course we'd have to go with 3 words for the title... "shunned to death", or "the devil's walk", or "Elder Skelter" (that last one breaks the mold but its all I've got)

Vern, you should be a screen writer.. your life is rife with storylines.

C

Or it could be "The Last Mennonite", "Revenge of the Mennonite" (yeah that's not 3 words), "Men in night"...

Okay, that last one was just bad I admit.


Ohhh, how about "Darkness Falls"? That way you have a movie with a title that has no relation to it whatsoever, and all the critics and artsy-fartsy people will spend months trying to figure out some deep meaning to the title. Kind of like the idiots who think "I am the Walrus" actually meant something more than plain old silliness.

Greg